21 December, 2007
Happy 21st of December
It's a fine line we walk when our heart's are allowed to sing... Today I saw a friend of mine who I had not seen for almost three weeks... I know that seems like a short amount of time... And realitively speaking it is... Seemed like an eternity to me.. Three weeks gives you just enough time to run through a whole range of emotions, feelings whatever... It gives you just enough time to be angry... To fill your heart with rage.. To let your head attack what your heart is feeling. You sit and try to justify what you are feeling... You talk to friends your family. They offer your their opinions.. And what your heart feels gets burried. All of the things of the past run through your head and you start to doubt yourself and why you ever did what you did. You start to curse the day your heart ever started to feel the way it did. You wished it would just go away. You simply wish that someone or something would take the hurt you are feeling away.. Further burying the feelig you have in your heart. Well, at least I did. I ran through all of the emotions of why when where, who what..... Made me sad to think about it. Makes me sad now even to think about it.. How could I have possibly pushed something so wonderful away? Then one day it just stops.. The anger goes away. The name calling subsides. And the big wish of "please take this away from me" goes away. You start to feel again, you start to find that little bit of hope deep in your heart that never really left. You know that it's still there.. And again the feeling gets stronger. Again, It comes back.. As if it ever left in the first place. Today I talked to a friend who I hadn't talked to for a while. I asked him how are you? He said to me I am playing again. Honestly, that was one of the best Christmas presents I could have ever had. Made me happy to know that he IS making music again. I had started to get that feeling back a few days ago. I knew that I had to clear through all of the crap to get to what really mattered. Hearing that he was making music again solidified the feeling. It was back. Bloody hard to hold onto but it was back. Tonight I saw him. Tonight I saw something in him that I had not seen in a very long time. I saw him, again. The beautiful soul that connected with mine well, exactly 4 years ago. I saw it again. Somehow through all of the chatter of different voices his song, faint though it may be right now, is being heard. I heard it. Somehow I think, that I am the only one who hears it.. Maybe I am the only one who listens? It made me smile to see him today. Honestly he wasn't feeling all that well.. But I saw it in his eyes. I saw what I saw 4 years ago. He has changed in those 4 years and so have I. Today, today I connected again with the love of my life. As much as we push each other away as much as we try to literaly remove each other from our lives.. We see each other and we smile and it's there. Amigos? Si! It's all we can be. I am not sure I believe in soul mates. I know we connect with certian people and you know when it's right. And right now it's simply RIGHT. Thank you so much for being who you are. Thank you so much for your song my friend. Most of all thank you for your smile.. For it is the one thing that keeps my heart strong and my head at bay. My Christmas has come early. So when I walk home tonight from the hotel where I "borrow the internet" and where I sat for the very first time in Arles, filled with hope and a dream that one day we would be close. I'll look up at the moon and next to her will be a small bright light, the planet Jupiter. And It will all be RIGHT again. I'll smile and whisper a Thank you on the wind and I know he'll get it.. That makes my heart smile. So HAPPY 21st OF DECEMBER MI AMIGO! & THANK YOU!